I hate how often I feel stuck. Its an overwhelming and sickening feeling. I make such tiny movements forward it almost seems unnoticeable. I'm unhappy too often...I'm worried too often. I feel like I'm getting too old to be in this spot. I need to seriously make a plan for myself to get caught up and then to get ahead. I can do this know it...

Sometimes I miss you so much that its hard to even fathom...it overwhelms me

Double Threes

I've been 33 for a whopping 7 days now and so far its not any better than 32. At least I have a job. I'm generally unhappy. I enjoy my job but aspects of it stress the hell out of me. My direct supervisor is the most critical person I have ever met. I finally confronted her yesterday and demanded to know one thing that I do right because practically every word out of her mouth that is directed at me is something I'm doing wrong. So she says some crap about how she wishes I hadn't asked her that question because she can't think of anything I did do right. I'm sorry that's just plain mean. So I burst into tears in the break room full of people and pretty sure she was embarrassed because everyone is staring and looking back at her then me so she comes up and says okay I thought of one thing you did right and proceeds to tell me I organized the gift cards nicely so I have a gift for merchandising. I try insanely hard with that job. I've never had any customer complaints and I'm well liked. I spent years in a relationship with someone who was constantly critical and my dad was critical. It has taken a ton of therapy the last few years to get to a place where I feel like I deserve good things and I deserve happiness and I refuse to let this bish tell me I'm not good enough. I've been anxious a lot lately and most days I fight to keep the depression from creeping its way back in. I don't always succeed. I finally had enough money set aside to see my therapist this week. He wants me to find some hobbies or activities that will bring me some happiness and some distraction. I need a vacation.I need to get away for a couple of days and just wander around the streets of a different city and window shop and see the sights and check out the museums and whatnot. I feel so trapped.

LOWE"S

Oh hey I should have mentioned I am now a member of productive society again. I started working at Lowe's at the beginning of May. I'm a head cashier which is the Lowes equivalent of the shift leader from Jack in the Box I was in a previous life aka 1996-2009. Its a good solid job to be honest. I started at the heard of sum of $11.87 an hour which is a full $2.27 more an hour than I was making when I left JIB so that right there is fan-freaking-tastic. Retail is a screwy world I must say. If I could make decent money in fast food and not be scoffed at for being 32 and working fast food I'd do it...its a whole different world. One nice thing with ff is instant happiness...you have immediate notice that you've made someone happy. If I sell someone paint or a doorknob I don't really get that. The nice thing is the lack of emphasis on speed of service which I believe always leads to hurting customer service...but that's a whole other post. Anyway I am enjoying the whole "being employed" thingy.

2011

So its now the end of March and I'm not sure I've managed to accomplish much for having finished a quarter of the year. Most of the time I'm either exhausted or depressed or dealing with drama of some sort or dealing with some other blahness. My job search has been kicked into turbo since I have only 6 weeks left on unemployment. I have two degrees and 12+ years of customer service experience but I can't get a stupid job to save my life it seems. I miss my Mom more and more as time goes by and she frequently invades my dreams. I'm trying to keep up with walking and I need to lose 5 or 10 llbs depending on my weight fluctuations. I'm still a normal healthy weight but the extra pounds are uncomfortable. I had planned on this year being my best year yet but I often feel discouraged. I'm in a slump. I used to do so many things, I had hobbies, I was artistic and active and I read books like they were going out of style. I need to start working and I need to go back to school and get an advanced degree to supplement my college degrees. I need to get out more and experience more. I need to trust God and not give up hope for better things. I need to be proactive and MAKE this the best year yet.

WoW Really?

So last month around the 23rd I started playing World of Warcraft ( WoW)....I enjoy it far more than I imagined I would. I'm also better at it than I thought I would be. Traditionally I'm horrible at these sorts of things so I'm actually quite proud of myself. I've managed to get myself up to Level 44 on my own and I'm told that's pretty good. My ex ( who re-entered my life near the end of summer) convinced me that I'd be good at this...I'm glad I listened...I'd been wanting to play for some time now but just needed that final push. :)