And then...

I have been meaning to update for a while...didn't realize I'd gone a month without doing so. Now here I am and I have no clue what to write. Blogger's block? Lol. I'm putting a lot on 2010. I'm expecting it to be an amazing year. 2008...total loss,2009...not a total loss , but way too full of pain and heartache and sadness. It wasn't a complete loss tho I can point to more happiness than in 2008, now granted a year in which one doesn't almost kill themselves is always superior to one where one does. So anyway 2008 sucked and 2009 sucked less. At my therapist's on Monday we actually made a written list of goals for next year. I'm supposed to go to the gym three times a week, go out socially at least once a week, enroll in classes for Spring, make it into law school for Fall, finish decorating the condo, plan and take a vacation, and before the end of the year be in a stable relationship. Part of me thinks by the end of next year I'll have accomplished all of them. Part of me is afraid things will get screwed up somehow. I think I'm too used to disappointment...that's so wrong isn't it? Things don't get better tho unless I believe they will. Maybe I should go ahead and get my hopes up and things will actually fall into place for once. I don't know what it is ,but I really do have a good feeling about next year. Anyway Christmas is tomorrow. I haven't felt it at all this year.Just flat out haven't felt Christmassy in the least. I'm going to try to make it to Christmas Eve service tonight and we always open our gifts on the 24th. So on actual Christmas I'm assuming it will be as boring and dead as usual. I may take myself to the movies. Haha how sad is that? Sitting alone on the movies on Christmas...nice. Next year things will be different. I've had a Beck song lyric in my head for days " Things are going to change I can feel it" and the thing is I really do feel change coming. I'm stronger than I was before. I fall apart less easily. Two years ago on Christmas night I had a massive panic attack at work and was literally shaking and crying uncontrollably under the counter in the drive thru with all of the other employees acting as tho I wasn't there and working normally. I don't see that kind of thing happening unless something really awful happens.My anxiety and panic are manageable and under control for the most part. I'm not as afraid as I was before.I know that I'm capable of having a happy life and that its coming soon. When I'm blogging this day next year I plan on having so many wonderful things to brag about lol. Keep the faith...

Amazing!

Had something happen today...er well yesterday that was a great reminder of how amazing God is and that there truly is nothing impossible with faith. I'm on a total high right now...soooo happy. I cannot wait to see what is coming next. :) Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

I heard that Keane song "Every body's Changing" in 7-11 tonight. That's sort of how things are right now. Everything is so up in the air right now and nothing seems fully certain all the time. I had a date a couple of weeks ago. It was amazingly awesome. I was unsure how it was going to go since my date and I knew each other but not all that well, but he and I clicked very well. He has a lot of stressful stuff going on right now and is probably moving next month,so we'll see what happens with that. But it sure was a good date. My far off love will be returning to normal life soon and things will be changing drastically because of that and during the transition we haven't been able to talk much,but I know he thinks of me. I'm so grateful for the time we had where we were able to talk for hours and hours into the night and I know we'll always have a close connection to each other and him not being able to talk much has nothing to do with me and its not because he doesn't want to. Our love will just transition into a different love and I'm okay with that. Monday was such a blissful night.Last December I started seeing a guy who is in college. He and I don't get to see each other as often as we'd like to and tho he'll tell people that I'm his chick he has given me a lot of freedom. I guess in the simplest terms its an open relationship, but kind of with a twist. We hadn't seen each other in two months and I had started to worry that there was someone else and he didn't "need" me anymore, but Monday we finally got to spend some time together and it was fantastic. He's been so insanely busy with six college classes, 3 with labs. He's stressed beyond belief and mentioned that he hasn't even gotten a hug in two months except from family. I had been thinking I had lost him ,but really it was never the case and it was merely irrational fear. School owns him right now and now I understand more after getting to talk to him what the situation is. Every time we are together all my doubts suddenly disappear( well until they start creeping up again lol...) At some point,hopefully soon, I'll finally have someone full time. Someone who actually has time to be in a relationship. I don't really blame any guy for not being in something solid, they have different commitments that at this point in their lives have to be a priority, its not that they don't care about me. Once I'm back in school in the spring ( God willing!) I'll be a busy girl and I'll have less time for things just like everyone else lol. I love the people in my life and I know each one is in my life for a reason. We'll see how things go :) I'm feeling pretty hopeful as of late.

6am...

I always tell myself every night that this will be the night I fall asleep at a semi decent hour. Without fail I am still awake at 6am. I end up waking up somewhere between 2pm and 4pm...its scandalous. When I wake up at 4 I feel so ashamed, like what kind of person sleeps until 4pm. Its 6am now and of course yesterday I promised myself I'd be fast asleep before now. My head hurts as well. I went to the gym and I must not be hydrating enough or something because they last few times I've ended up with an awful headache the rest of the night. Things have been more interesting as of late. I'm having more happy days and days where I'm actually out interacting with people.I love being social and I don't get to be as often as I'd like to. I've been more hopeful as of late. I am really starting to visualize things coming together. We'll see...

I Am a Disco Ball

I had a really good Saturday for the first time in weeks. My best friend had a craft party today and I hadn't done anything artsy for a very long time. I used to paint or draw or make snazzy little trinkets quite a bit back in the day.I couldn't even really tell you why or when I stopped, but I know its been years. I think after a while most of my former hobbies just took a back seat to trying to get through each day. I stopped at some point while I was still in college I believe. Everyone there today ended up with a bit of glitter on their clothes or faces. Since I'm usually the quirky, slightly nutty one it made sense that I ended up looking like a pink and gold disco ball. I had glitter literally head to toe. My jeans were sparkling in the moon light as I walked out to my car. There's still glitter on my chest right now despite my efforts. My bff and I took her daughter to Denny's tonight and she went off to join her theatre friends while we sat in our own section and enjoyed smothered cheese fries and pie and chatted away. I really need that. I get so closed up and isolated so much of the week. I generally start feeling a little depressed on Thursday nights and by Friday afternoon when I'm vacuuming my parents church I'm in full blown blah and Saturdays I usually am just in a hazy lite depression. I like when there's a break in the cycle. Right now I have a strange sense of hopefulness. I hope it stays this time. Usually when I start feeling this way I get knocked down again by something or someone. I'm quite tired of it really. I want to hang on to it. A pile of stuff on my floor shifted and I found a parking pass for Kansas State University dated for 10/28/08...that was the last day I ever saw my ex. I always find the strangest things at the strangest times. A couple of months ago I found a musical KSU keychain at the 99c Store, it plays the fight song. They also had the U of Conn what an odd pairing for a store in Hemet. I can't find my remote so I'm stuck using the laughably large back up one that is impossible to lose. Thankfully the weekends usually have actual programming on so I don't get stuck with shopping channels. In a little over a week I should finally start getting my unemployment checks again and feel less dependent on my parents and slightly more stable. Part of me really feels ready to work again and part of me likes the whole not working thing. I suppose things will work out how they're supposed to. I'm hoping I get accepted into law school for the spring. They're only accepting applications for part time evening classes right now, but since I've been out of school since August 2004 it might be good to not plunge right into a full time school thing. I'm trusting that at some point ( hopefully January) I'll actually get this school thing going. God doesn't put a dream in our hearts unless he is going to follow through and cause it to come to pass. I've held onto this dream for 22 years. I'm anxious to finally get my life where its supposed to be. I have a feeling that soon things are going to start falling into place piece by piece :)

Two Thirty in the Morning

HSN is doing an entire hour of sweaters... I couldn't bring myself to watch it. I just watched a documentary on the election of Barak Obama,it was generally pretty interesting. I voted for McCain so it wasn't anything inspirational or exciting but it was pretty well done. I recovered from last night's late night mini fall apart session. I don't mind falling apart for an hour or whatever when all it is is crying. That's nothing. I used to have terrible panic attacks. I haven't had a huge one in a while now just some very small ones. The huge ones are terrifying. Several times I would end up face down on the bathroom floor at 3am crying and shaking uncontrollably. The crying was so heavy it was literally wailing. So many tears would come pouring out that chunks of my hair always ended up wet. Once one started all I could do was ride the wave back to shore. There was no way to stop one. In the back of my mind I hold on to a fear that I could have one anytime and I need to be prepared to try to stop it while its small. I've been in therapy for an entire year here in a couple of weeks. I look back at where I was and who I was when I started going and I'm unrecognizable. I'm not as controlled by emotion as I was last year. 2008 is my lost year. I don't know that version of myself any longer. I hate so much that there are people who refuse to see me as anything but that girl. I can't apologize for who I was anymore. I have taken full responsibility for my actions and have apologize over and over and in the end there are still people who hold on to my past and hold it against me. My therapist explained that even if no one else forgives me or forgets I have to forgive myself and move beyond that point.Then this weekend Joel Osteen's message was about how your mistakes do not supersede your destiny. One way he explained it was that its like having GPS. When you make a wrong turn it doesn't mean you never get where you're going, the GPS system recalculates your route and gets you where you're supposed to be. I made some poor decisions and I did some stupid things and at the time they made perfect sense and seemed perfectly logical. It was like in my head things sounded like perfectly normal and rational ideas and I literally HAD to do them. My brain would not shut up and kept telling me no its fine it will work its a great idea you must do this. I ran completely on emotion and panic. My head would tell me get in the car and drive to Escondido and I felt compelled to do it.I'd go into a full panic and the anxiety would completely overwhelm me and no matter how I tried to rationalize why I should not go and that it was a bad idea it was like a hammer hitting my head over and over telling me GO! Sometimes I could fight it off and distract myself somehow with work or by talking to someone. But the majority of the time I could not fight it and I ended up doing whatever. Its almost impossible to explain to people really. It sounds ridiculous. Looking back at myself it saddens me so much that I couldn't fight. Last night I saw a picture of my ex( not the one from the birthday party post, the one who's break up with me plunged me into anxiety and depression) and for some reason I had actually captioned it and it was dated 10/03/08.He had taken and sent the picture to me in my email. It about killed me last night looking at that date and thinking about how at that point he still wanted me in his life and still cared about me. On 10/26/08 only three weeks from the day those pictures were sent I was sitting in a rental car in Kansas holding every Xanax I had in the palm of my hand and I was debating with myself whether I should kill myself. I remember texting him and asking him if he'd be happier if I were dead. The year long depression and the overwhelming anxiety and constant panic and sadness had become too much and when he texted me and told me he never wanted to talk to me again and he wanted me out of his life forever the pain was worse than I have ever felt in my life. I could not imagine that it was ever going to stop and I was going to live in constant terrifying horrible emotional pain. You can't take an aspirin and take that pain away. I couldn't breathe and my chest ached so badly and my head felt like my brain was going to rip right through my forehead. I really did want it to end I could not imagine living the way I was. It was the absolute worst day of my entire life. And 23 days earlier he was IM'ing me and sending me those pictures. I look back at that girl sitting in a car and I don't recognize her anymore. I know its me but its not who I am now and I will never ever be that poor girl again. There are so many things I wish I could go back and undo,but I can't and I sometimes have a hard time not hating myself for them. I've had to forgive myself and move forward. I'll finish this ramble later...

Yeah Idk...

It may be the lack of sleep or the fact that I've hardily eaten the last five days but I keep becoming overwhelmed with fear. I keep thinking what if I'm wrong? What if things aren't going to work out? What if everything I've been trusting and believing is going to happen doesn't? I keep wondering if maybe I've been lying to myself to make myself feel better and maybe all these things I want aren't going to come to pass. I tell myself over and over that its not impossible and that it can happen but something in my head is whispering that I'm stupid for really thinking that. I suppose it's doubt. Everyone struggles with doubt right? I think its when I look at the situations and see everything that would have to happen or change in order for things to work and it overwhelms me. Sometimes I just start crying because its too much. I hate this! I don't want my head starting to fill with doubt. I go from such high highs of hope and suddenly I'm so lost.Its like different forces fighting it out in my heart and mind and things shift as one is winning. There are certain things I want so much and the thought of never having them scares me to death. I'll probably be fine when i wake up later and then out of nowhere it will creep up on me again and tackle me. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes.

One year ago tomorrow I was threatening to kill myself by overdosing on Xanax. It was by far the worst day of my life...

I hope that I can go my entire life without ever feeling pain like I did that day.

Yawn!!!

Wow what a boring Friday night! Nothing worse than being all dressed up with no where to go.I'm really getting good at vacuuming my parents' church. I've got it down to right about an hour and its a pretty good work out really. Plus I don't mind the $20 Dad gives me each week for doing it. :) I think tomorrow is going to be a good day. I guess we're seeing Where the Wild Things Are which I could have gone either way on seeing ,but its supposed to be pretty decent. I'm looking forward to feeding and visiting and seeing what everyone has been up to. I think if my ex is there I'll mostly avoid him aside from a polite Hello. This hasn't necessarily been a bad week its just been a bit lonely and quiet. Next Friday I'm going to a Halloween party so that'll be good. I need to find something to liven up my weekends so they don't blend in with the rest if the week. I used to love getting a weekend day off back when I was working, especially Saturdays. So it'd be nice if weekends could be as much fun as they used to be before so many things changed. Things will work themselves out soon enough I'm sure...merely a temporary setback :)

Adrift

I'm alone a lot. It's really been bothering me lately. I need more friends honestly. I don't need to replace the friends I have now, but I really need to add more friends. I rarely ever have any plans anymore. I want to get out and go to the movies,or shop, or hit up Friday's, or go to a club. If I want to go anywhere I pretty much have to go on my own and I hate having to do that. Shopping I can do on my own and not feel too weird about it, but I can't bring myself to sit in the bar at Friday's alone with my drink. I'd look completely pathetic I think. I wish I had the option to just text someone and say let's do something tonight I'll be right over to pick you up. I want to get out and socialize and have fun. I'm tired of sitting on my bed with my laptop every night with nothing to do. It's depressing. Sometimes I'm just feeling so alone I start crying. In the last few weeks I've had little contact with my best friend. I've spoken to her online once since Friday. I do have one person who I have talked to almost everyday for a while now,but I know that in a couple of months circumstances will be changing and contact won't be as regular and I'm dreading that loss. Hopefully in the coming months I become employed or are able to start school. I am dying for regular human interaction. That was one really nice thing about back when I was working, I always had people to talk to. We were a very talkative and gossipy bunch and I loved it. Solitude is driving me crazy. When I actually am around other people I tend to vomit out piles of words. When I see my therapist every week I always have so much to say. I need to figure out a solution for this...

Coffee, Tea, or Me?

Finally gave in and got myself a venti hot tea from Starbucks. I had to add more sugar than I remember having to add last time I did this...hmm.Oh well it was good to just get out.Made a trip to Target to shop for a friend's birthday. He's turning 40...I remember going to his 30th birthday party and it doesn't seem like 10 years has gone by. I'm both looking forward to and dreading this party. The core group of people that should be there are the group of friends I hung out with in college and a couple of years after I graduated. This used to be my main group of friends and I saw most of them on a regular basis for years. The one person I'm really not looking forward to seeing is my ex. We broke up nearly 3 years ago after a couple months shy of dating for 8 years. Oh yes 8 years. When we broke up he got custody of our friends and almost no one from that group ever bothered to stay in touch with me, so that really showed me how much they all cared in the first place. The 8 years we were together don't even feel like they were a part of my life. Its like it was lived by a different person. My therapist said that's because it did. I'm not that person anymore. The person I am now would not have allowed herself to have put up with the crap I did back then. In the end I'm glad I was never able to convince my ex to marry me, I'd either be divorced or miserable. Why did I stay so long? After awhile I really started to believe that no one else was ever going to want me. My ex was excellent at making me feel incredibly stupid. I clearly remember a time when he got in my face and told me that I never think and that I don't use my brain. He was very critical of me and very competitive and broke up with me without warning over and over so I lived in a constant fear of losing him. After a while I felt like I couldn't do anything right, that I was stupid , that I wasn't good enough, that I was embarrassing, and I lived in constant fear of upsetting him. After we broke up people mentioned that yeah that had noticed that he didn't treat me very well. I look back on those years and it always seems like such a huge waste of my 20's. We had started dating when I was 20 and broke up when I was 28. I'm sometimes angry at myself for never having the courage to get out and for trying so hard to cater to him and allowing him to make me feel so poorly about myself. I look back and don't recognize that girl anymore. I'm nervous about seeing him, I've moved so far away from that part of me and I don't want to see him and have the anger and the rage I've shelved for so long rise up and out of me. I'm assuming we can be civil to each other and be in the same room together. I'm such a different person now and I almost don't want to be reminded of who I used to be. I've moved beyond the point where I'd want to kick his head in I think. I know he'll never apologize to me, because I'm sure he feels like he didn't do anything wrong. I know I wasn't the greatest girlfriend but if he called me on something genuine I'd take responsibility for it and make amends. I can't ever get those 8 years back so I don't really dwell on it anymore. Hopefully Saturday goes alright and there isn't too much tension or awkwardness.

Wait Didn't I Just Do This?

So here it is again, 4- something in the morning on a Wednesday and my tv options are bleak. QVC is doing Christmas decorations and HSN has faux fur hats with animal prints. Oh wait with matching vests. I can't imagine myself ever wearing a faux fur vest, much less one in an animal print. One of the models has a matching scarf so I'm assuming I'll have that to look forward to in a bit. I went to bed at 8am on Tuesday morning, I woke up at noon because the phone rang and I decided against waking up permanently and went back to bed until 4pm. Oh fantastic there's a headband to match the scarf and the vest and the ridiculous hat and the handbag. I should waste a few hundred dollars and get the whole set and just wear it all at once. I shouldn't joke there probably are women doing that right now. Maybe I can order each piece in a different animal pattern,but still wear them together. Anyway I got up at 4pm and actually got going before 5. I got my birth control pills refilled and the pharmacist came out and asked if I still wanted the name brand even though it had gone up in price by $4. I am considered a cash customer since I lost my insurance when I lost my job in April. I would hate to be in a position that $4 would effect my decisions with medication. If I got on the generic pills it'd be way cheaper,but I did generic for 2 months several years ago and I ended up with horrible PMS symptoms. I'm willing to pay the extra money to avoid feeling like crap. I got myself ready for the gym way ahead of time tonight. I was dressed and ready by 9pm so that I had no excuse not to go at 10 once The Biggest Loser was over. Oh wow there's a poncho! With a belt!! Oh this is horrible! Okay so I made it to the gym and was able to easily get on my favorite treadmill. I ended up doing 2.81miles in 45 minutes. I'm always slightly ashamed of myself when I'm watching people twice my size running and I'm consistently at a brisk walk. Every time I've bucked myself up enough to run I end up feeling like I could die right there. I've convinced myself that it's because of my rapid heartbeat and not that I'm out of shape. I suppose no one is judging me ,but I always wonder. Downstairs there was a young guy training his friend. He had really nicely defined arms and I enjoyed watching the way the muscles in his upper arms moved as he worked out. Its amazing how all the muscles move. His friend kept not quite getting the exercises down each time he tried so I'm guessing they hadn't done this before. The worst thing about exercise is how hot and sweaty my cleavage ends up. I know that's not an attractive thought , but its true. I don't think people realize that a large chest is really hot ( and not just sexy hot lol). I always have to wear these tiny tank tops to the gym with my boobs popping out all over the place otherwise its unbearable. I'm sure people think its slutty, but dammit its practical and comfortable. I really should go to the gym more often. Back when I was working I was going 3 or 4 times a week and now that I'm free pretty much all the time I maybe drag myself once a week. I bet if I went more often and actually did more than the treadmill I'd look amazing and I could be in fantastic shape. Apparently the gym wiped me out. I fell asleep right after 1am and woke up at 2 something and switched to M*A*S*H and fell back asleep and woke up at 2:52am in time to catch the last few minutes of the second episode. Within 10 minutes my head started to hurt. I should hydrate better maybe. If I actually took really good care of myself and ate healthy and worked out I would be unstoppable. My headache is mostly gone and its 5 til 5am. For some reason everything seems slightly hazy right now. I think I may sleep...

This Is Lame

Its 4:30 in the morning and absolutely no one is online to talk to and I'm too awake to sleep. I'm laying on my bed watching HSN and they are doing an hour of scrapbooking crap. I don't scrapbook nor do I have any desire too. I only had 4 hours of sleep but my brain woke me up at 11am and it actually turned out to be a good idea. I had a talk with someone that we'd really needed to have. By the time 4pm rolled around I was exhausted and emotionally I was sort of drained. I napped for an hour then napped again from 6 to 7 something. I watched The Biggest Loser like I usually do on Tuesdays and tonight was a really good one. This is the second Tuesday in a row I bailed on the gym.I'd gotten into a pattern for a few weeks and of course I found myself breaking it. I should make myself go today. My head has been full of lyrics and poetry and essays and I haven't been able to put any of them into words. Its always so frustrating. I can't take this scrapbooking stuff anymore...switching to QVC. Its looking just as bleak. It figures really...the one night when I have no one at all to talk to and I'm awake and everything on tv is a steaming pile of junk. I'm thinking about maybe turning the tv off and reading but I don't think I can take the silence right now and if I turn on Pandora I know a song will inevitably come on that has some sort of memory for me and I'll start crying. My head is starting to hurt now so officially sleep is off the menu for now. There's been so much on my mind lately anyway. For the first time in a while now someone actually loves me,like genuinely loves me and I love them and of course it can't work. I knew going in that it can't work. I like to think that in an alternate universe it does and we're together and happy. In this universe however it can't. And I think how could I go into this knowing that we can't be together, but some things you just can not stop. To have not fallen in love with him would have been like trying to stop a train by standing on the tracks and holding out one forceful hand and assuming I could stop it with my sheer strength. I know its going to hurt me terribly when things have to change,but I haven't felt love like this in such a long time and he makes me so happy and valued that my mind and my heart continuously justify the coming heartache. Nothing I really want ever works out anyway, so why would this be any different. I keep waiting for everything to suddenly make sense and everything to finally fall in to place like it's supposed to. I know once it does I can look back and see that all the waiting was worth it...until then I'm just waiting.Sitting on a bench waiting for the bus to come by and pick me up and it hasn't yet, sometimes a bus slows down and I get excited thinking its mine but it never is. Its a bus dropping people off or going to a different stop. This blog probably isn't making any sense and frankly I couldn't care less. It's past 5am and I'm watching a presention about a hurricane mop,its better than the scrapbooking tho. I have no idea what today will bring, I can't even believe its Wednesday already. Days blur together anyway so it could be any day really. I think I'm done for now...

Sing! Sing! Sing!

Tonight I attended a Hemet High choir concert. My BFF's daughter is a junior this year and is a member of the treble choir. It was such a good concert and was surprisingly kept to an hour. It reminded me of being in high school and attending concerts to support all my friends. I looked up at the stage and they all looked so young. I still feel that young honestly. I still think of everyone I went to school with as somewhere around 17. It's so hard to hear about my friends getting divorces or going through real adult problems and issues. A few weeks ago a high school boyfriend of mine told me he was getting divorced and it stuck me that wow we're real adults. I think a lot of my deal comes from having never been married and being childless. I'm pretty much able to live the same life I did at 18, just with more bills and less fun lol. Anyway it was great being able to get out and support the choir. It brought back some good memories, which I'm always up for.

Breathing Is The Hardest Thing to Do

I've felt fine for days...well as fine as I am capable of feeling mind you. The last several days I've been genuinely happy. Then today I woke up and just felt so off. Its like being recaptured after a prison escape and having the warden say, "You didn't really think we wouldn't catch you did you?" Something just doesn't feel "right" and I can't explain it. The best way to describe it is that its like walking around in a haze or seeing everything through nothing but dirty,dusty windows. I feel so out of control ,but I don't even know what I'm feeling out of control off. People tell me all the time that they hope I can eventually beat depression and anxiety and be happy. I've really come so far from where I was all of last year...but I honestly don't know that I'll ever fully beat this. Every time I start feeling like things are alright finally sure enough there's a day like today. I'll just ride it out like I always do...I may feel fine later today, I just never know. Sometimes this lasts hours and sometimes days...

Random Things From My Childhood

• I was the top kid in my kindergarden.
  
• When I was 9 my mom took a picture of me in my new bathing suit before a pool party and when she first saw the picture stated that I was going to grow up to be busty
• During 3rd grade I started noticing I was smarter than a lot of the kids in my class in 4th grade I noticed I had an easy time making people laugh.
• By 5th grade I knew I was never going to be pretty or popular. I decided I was going to get people to like me by being smart and funny
• My 5th grade teacher told my parents (and me) that "Rayann is very intelligent but she doesn't apply herself" That is pretty much a description of me all through life
• When I was 8 I saw a picture of Matthew Broderick in a newspaper accompanying an article about the new movie he was in "Project X"...I read it over and over and instantly developed a crush on him. I went to school the next day and told all the kids he was my favorite actor. 23 years later and I still have that crush.
• In 6th grade I fell hard for Neil Patrick Harris and from age 11-14 I managed to collect over 650 pictures of him. I dressed as Doogie Howser in 7th grade for Halloween and all thru 7th and 8th grade got stuck with the nickname "Doogie". When he came out as gay I felt cheated,and like I had lost something essential to my childhood and I cried.
  
• I had my first kiss on a Tuesday in June at age 12 on a bench at Acacia Middle School. My boyfriend was 15 and rode his bike all the way from the high school to hang out with me. He was killed in a car accident in December of my 18th year. I stood up at his funeral and said that he had been my first love.
• I grew a cup size each grade from 7-9th starting as a B at the beginning of 7th and finishing at a D at the beginning of 9th. At age 12 I started learning how much power breasts hold.
• I wasn't conventionally pretty or popular but I had personality,brains, and big breasts and so I was not single from June of 1991 until October 9, 2007 except for 2 months in 11th grade and 2.5 months at age 28.
  
• I grew up with out cable my parents finally decided when I was 19 they wanted better reception and we got Dish Network.
  
• In 1988 I watched gavel to gavel coverage of both the republican and democrat conventions. I remember the kids in class asking me what the differences were between the 2 parties. I was already a republican at age 10.
  
• From 5th grade until graduation I missed only one day of school. I was really sick with the flu in 8th grade and I begged my mom all day to pleeeease let me go anyway. She didn't me. In 11th grade I had the flu for three weeks and I never missed a day. I would sit in my classes wrapped in a blanket, sucking down Halls. I don't know what happened in college, I lost my motivation I guess I didn't care very much if I missed a class.

<3Rayann

Hey You Should Write a Blog!

I've been told since high school that I should be a writer. If you spend any time with me you'll notice I have a tendency to either ramble uncontrollably or I go completely the opposite direction and am stone silent. My head is always teeming with debris and I often find myself in conversation with myself. I have an excuse for this of course. I am an only child and am therefore authorized to talk to myself and not be classified as insane ( now granted there are people who would classify me insane for other reasons but that's a whole other blog). Anyway as I was saying I am an only child and developed the skill of entertaining myself for hours at a time. This came in handy during college when I had hours between classes and nowhere to go. This also worked out nicely while killing time in front on my ex boyfriend's work for 8-10 hours at a time. My mind is constantly running, rarely is there a quiet still moment. It's pretty much going from the moment I wake up until the second I fall asleep. As a child there weren't really many kids around my house to play with so I spent a lot of time on my own. I used to tell myself stories and sometimes pretend I was performing on some sort of tv show. One of my favorite anecdotes about my life as a lone child is all the times I played tether-ball against myself in the backyard. Hitting it back and forth leaning around one side of the pole and then the other. It never seemed out of the ordinary to me. But I digress...
I tend to collect a lot of useless and random knowledge, and (un)fortunately I have a knack for remembering the strangest things and the most random details. I'll remember the exact date I met someone and what they were wearing at that moment. My mind stores the smallest details about so many things, and then there are some events and details I couldn't remember if I thought all day long. All of this stored info is sometimes fantastic and sometimes its overwhelming and crushing. A song starts playing and instantly I'm flooded with memories associated with that song. Now that's fairly normal I suppose. But I go way beyond songs. Foods, scents, colors, places, movies, tv shows, items of clothing, certain words...all can send me into a flood of tears. In a way its paralyzing. I can't set foot in a Cold Stone Creamery because I used to go all the time with my ex. If I'm in a shopping center with one in it I can't bear to go near it, much less go in. Is it ridiculous? Probably is, but its just how things are. It was a long time before I could bring myself to walk into a Panda Express without being overwhelmed with sadness. I haven't been able to bring myself to conquer Cold Stone. And yes,before you even ask I'm in therapy, have been for nearly a year now.
I don't necessarily expect everyone to understand some of my quirkiness, that would be unfair to insist upon. Sometimes I don't understand them myself I just accept that its a part of me. I've been told a lot lately that I'm unique and that its a good thing so I'm just going to go ahead and believe it. I suppose everyone has something out of the norm, I'm just more likely to let you know about mine.
So anyway I should get back to the whole "you should be a writer" deal that I started this blog with. Back in the day I used to be quite the writer. Going back to elementary school I was always good at book reports and essays. I was never quite as good with fiction for some reason, well with some exceptions, but there are always exceptions. I took great pride in my essay writing and it was like getting a trophy when my essay was read as an example to the class. I knew I wasn't ever going to be popular and pretty, but I could be the smart, funny girl. One of my proudest moments came at MSJC . The deal was if a paper was late it was graded down for each day late. I turned in one paper a class late and therefore the highest grade I could have gotten was a B+. I got an A and was told by the prof that he just couldn't give an essay that good a B. Once I got to Cal Baptist however I had my spirit crushed. I think most people at the time knew about my huge crush on Dr. Orr and the day he told me that he really didn't like my writing style and that it was hard to grade my essays fairly. I tried so hard over and over to just once have him like a paper and rarely did it actually happen and it devastated me every time. Professors at CBU either loved my writing or found it intolerable. I eventually just gave up for the most part. I wasn't smart anymore I thought. I did take an English class at Riverside Community college while I was at CBU and I got an A an had one of my papers read in front of the class as the best in the class. One time I wrote an amazingly good short story for a class and the class and professor( Dr. Lu-who always loved everything I wrote for some reason) gave me a very good review. My boyfriend at the time tho found lots of things wrong with it and literally laughed at parts of it, he was always very good at making me feel stupid. Anyway somehow I managed to pull off an English degree( and a Poly Sci degree as well),but after all those years of feeling quite inadequate I never thought anyone would actually care to read anything I wrote. A few of my friends ,however have been encouraging me for a while now to get my thoughts and stories out "on paper" so to speak and so I'm here. I don't intend for the majority of blogs to go anywhere near this long, but you know how it is when you get on a roll

<3Rayann