One year ago tomorrow I was threatening to kill myself by overdosing on Xanax. It was by far the worst day of my life...

I hope that I can go my entire life without ever feeling pain like I did that day.

Yawn!!!

Wow what a boring Friday night! Nothing worse than being all dressed up with no where to go.I'm really getting good at vacuuming my parents' church. I've got it down to right about an hour and its a pretty good work out really. Plus I don't mind the $20 Dad gives me each week for doing it. :) I think tomorrow is going to be a good day. I guess we're seeing Where the Wild Things Are which I could have gone either way on seeing ,but its supposed to be pretty decent. I'm looking forward to feeding and visiting and seeing what everyone has been up to. I think if my ex is there I'll mostly avoid him aside from a polite Hello. This hasn't necessarily been a bad week its just been a bit lonely and quiet. Next Friday I'm going to a Halloween party so that'll be good. I need to find something to liven up my weekends so they don't blend in with the rest if the week. I used to love getting a weekend day off back when I was working, especially Saturdays. So it'd be nice if weekends could be as much fun as they used to be before so many things changed. Things will work themselves out soon enough I'm sure...merely a temporary setback :)

Adrift

I'm alone a lot. It's really been bothering me lately. I need more friends honestly. I don't need to replace the friends I have now, but I really need to add more friends. I rarely ever have any plans anymore. I want to get out and go to the movies,or shop, or hit up Friday's, or go to a club. If I want to go anywhere I pretty much have to go on my own and I hate having to do that. Shopping I can do on my own and not feel too weird about it, but I can't bring myself to sit in the bar at Friday's alone with my drink. I'd look completely pathetic I think. I wish I had the option to just text someone and say let's do something tonight I'll be right over to pick you up. I want to get out and socialize and have fun. I'm tired of sitting on my bed with my laptop every night with nothing to do. It's depressing. Sometimes I'm just feeling so alone I start crying. In the last few weeks I've had little contact with my best friend. I've spoken to her online once since Friday. I do have one person who I have talked to almost everyday for a while now,but I know that in a couple of months circumstances will be changing and contact won't be as regular and I'm dreading that loss. Hopefully in the coming months I become employed or are able to start school. I am dying for regular human interaction. That was one really nice thing about back when I was working, I always had people to talk to. We were a very talkative and gossipy bunch and I loved it. Solitude is driving me crazy. When I actually am around other people I tend to vomit out piles of words. When I see my therapist every week I always have so much to say. I need to figure out a solution for this...

Coffee, Tea, or Me?

Finally gave in and got myself a venti hot tea from Starbucks. I had to add more sugar than I remember having to add last time I did this...hmm.Oh well it was good to just get out.Made a trip to Target to shop for a friend's birthday. He's turning 40...I remember going to his 30th birthday party and it doesn't seem like 10 years has gone by. I'm both looking forward to and dreading this party. The core group of people that should be there are the group of friends I hung out with in college and a couple of years after I graduated. This used to be my main group of friends and I saw most of them on a regular basis for years. The one person I'm really not looking forward to seeing is my ex. We broke up nearly 3 years ago after a couple months shy of dating for 8 years. Oh yes 8 years. When we broke up he got custody of our friends and almost no one from that group ever bothered to stay in touch with me, so that really showed me how much they all cared in the first place. The 8 years we were together don't even feel like they were a part of my life. Its like it was lived by a different person. My therapist said that's because it did. I'm not that person anymore. The person I am now would not have allowed herself to have put up with the crap I did back then. In the end I'm glad I was never able to convince my ex to marry me, I'd either be divorced or miserable. Why did I stay so long? After awhile I really started to believe that no one else was ever going to want me. My ex was excellent at making me feel incredibly stupid. I clearly remember a time when he got in my face and told me that I never think and that I don't use my brain. He was very critical of me and very competitive and broke up with me without warning over and over so I lived in a constant fear of losing him. After a while I felt like I couldn't do anything right, that I was stupid , that I wasn't good enough, that I was embarrassing, and I lived in constant fear of upsetting him. After we broke up people mentioned that yeah that had noticed that he didn't treat me very well. I look back on those years and it always seems like such a huge waste of my 20's. We had started dating when I was 20 and broke up when I was 28. I'm sometimes angry at myself for never having the courage to get out and for trying so hard to cater to him and allowing him to make me feel so poorly about myself. I look back and don't recognize that girl anymore. I'm nervous about seeing him, I've moved so far away from that part of me and I don't want to see him and have the anger and the rage I've shelved for so long rise up and out of me. I'm assuming we can be civil to each other and be in the same room together. I'm such a different person now and I almost don't want to be reminded of who I used to be. I've moved beyond the point where I'd want to kick his head in I think. I know he'll never apologize to me, because I'm sure he feels like he didn't do anything wrong. I know I wasn't the greatest girlfriend but if he called me on something genuine I'd take responsibility for it and make amends. I can't ever get those 8 years back so I don't really dwell on it anymore. Hopefully Saturday goes alright and there isn't too much tension or awkwardness.

Wait Didn't I Just Do This?

So here it is again, 4- something in the morning on a Wednesday and my tv options are bleak. QVC is doing Christmas decorations and HSN has faux fur hats with animal prints. Oh wait with matching vests. I can't imagine myself ever wearing a faux fur vest, much less one in an animal print. One of the models has a matching scarf so I'm assuming I'll have that to look forward to in a bit. I went to bed at 8am on Tuesday morning, I woke up at noon because the phone rang and I decided against waking up permanently and went back to bed until 4pm. Oh fantastic there's a headband to match the scarf and the vest and the ridiculous hat and the handbag. I should waste a few hundred dollars and get the whole set and just wear it all at once. I shouldn't joke there probably are women doing that right now. Maybe I can order each piece in a different animal pattern,but still wear them together. Anyway I got up at 4pm and actually got going before 5. I got my birth control pills refilled and the pharmacist came out and asked if I still wanted the name brand even though it had gone up in price by $4. I am considered a cash customer since I lost my insurance when I lost my job in April. I would hate to be in a position that $4 would effect my decisions with medication. If I got on the generic pills it'd be way cheaper,but I did generic for 2 months several years ago and I ended up with horrible PMS symptoms. I'm willing to pay the extra money to avoid feeling like crap. I got myself ready for the gym way ahead of time tonight. I was dressed and ready by 9pm so that I had no excuse not to go at 10 once The Biggest Loser was over. Oh wow there's a poncho! With a belt!! Oh this is horrible! Okay so I made it to the gym and was able to easily get on my favorite treadmill. I ended up doing 2.81miles in 45 minutes. I'm always slightly ashamed of myself when I'm watching people twice my size running and I'm consistently at a brisk walk. Every time I've bucked myself up enough to run I end up feeling like I could die right there. I've convinced myself that it's because of my rapid heartbeat and not that I'm out of shape. I suppose no one is judging me ,but I always wonder. Downstairs there was a young guy training his friend. He had really nicely defined arms and I enjoyed watching the way the muscles in his upper arms moved as he worked out. Its amazing how all the muscles move. His friend kept not quite getting the exercises down each time he tried so I'm guessing they hadn't done this before. The worst thing about exercise is how hot and sweaty my cleavage ends up. I know that's not an attractive thought , but its true. I don't think people realize that a large chest is really hot ( and not just sexy hot lol). I always have to wear these tiny tank tops to the gym with my boobs popping out all over the place otherwise its unbearable. I'm sure people think its slutty, but dammit its practical and comfortable. I really should go to the gym more often. Back when I was working I was going 3 or 4 times a week and now that I'm free pretty much all the time I maybe drag myself once a week. I bet if I went more often and actually did more than the treadmill I'd look amazing and I could be in fantastic shape. Apparently the gym wiped me out. I fell asleep right after 1am and woke up at 2 something and switched to M*A*S*H and fell back asleep and woke up at 2:52am in time to catch the last few minutes of the second episode. Within 10 minutes my head started to hurt. I should hydrate better maybe. If I actually took really good care of myself and ate healthy and worked out I would be unstoppable. My headache is mostly gone and its 5 til 5am. For some reason everything seems slightly hazy right now. I think I may sleep...

This Is Lame

Its 4:30 in the morning and absolutely no one is online to talk to and I'm too awake to sleep. I'm laying on my bed watching HSN and they are doing an hour of scrapbooking crap. I don't scrapbook nor do I have any desire too. I only had 4 hours of sleep but my brain woke me up at 11am and it actually turned out to be a good idea. I had a talk with someone that we'd really needed to have. By the time 4pm rolled around I was exhausted and emotionally I was sort of drained. I napped for an hour then napped again from 6 to 7 something. I watched The Biggest Loser like I usually do on Tuesdays and tonight was a really good one. This is the second Tuesday in a row I bailed on the gym.I'd gotten into a pattern for a few weeks and of course I found myself breaking it. I should make myself go today. My head has been full of lyrics and poetry and essays and I haven't been able to put any of them into words. Its always so frustrating. I can't take this scrapbooking stuff anymore...switching to QVC. Its looking just as bleak. It figures really...the one night when I have no one at all to talk to and I'm awake and everything on tv is a steaming pile of junk. I'm thinking about maybe turning the tv off and reading but I don't think I can take the silence right now and if I turn on Pandora I know a song will inevitably come on that has some sort of memory for me and I'll start crying. My head is starting to hurt now so officially sleep is off the menu for now. There's been so much on my mind lately anyway. For the first time in a while now someone actually loves me,like genuinely loves me and I love them and of course it can't work. I knew going in that it can't work. I like to think that in an alternate universe it does and we're together and happy. In this universe however it can't. And I think how could I go into this knowing that we can't be together, but some things you just can not stop. To have not fallen in love with him would have been like trying to stop a train by standing on the tracks and holding out one forceful hand and assuming I could stop it with my sheer strength. I know its going to hurt me terribly when things have to change,but I haven't felt love like this in such a long time and he makes me so happy and valued that my mind and my heart continuously justify the coming heartache. Nothing I really want ever works out anyway, so why would this be any different. I keep waiting for everything to suddenly make sense and everything to finally fall in to place like it's supposed to. I know once it does I can look back and see that all the waiting was worth it...until then I'm just waiting.Sitting on a bench waiting for the bus to come by and pick me up and it hasn't yet, sometimes a bus slows down and I get excited thinking its mine but it never is. Its a bus dropping people off or going to a different stop. This blog probably isn't making any sense and frankly I couldn't care less. It's past 5am and I'm watching a presention about a hurricane mop,its better than the scrapbooking tho. I have no idea what today will bring, I can't even believe its Wednesday already. Days blur together anyway so it could be any day really. I think I'm done for now...

Sing! Sing! Sing!

Tonight I attended a Hemet High choir concert. My BFF's daughter is a junior this year and is a member of the treble choir. It was such a good concert and was surprisingly kept to an hour. It reminded me of being in high school and attending concerts to support all my friends. I looked up at the stage and they all looked so young. I still feel that young honestly. I still think of everyone I went to school with as somewhere around 17. It's so hard to hear about my friends getting divorces or going through real adult problems and issues. A few weeks ago a high school boyfriend of mine told me he was getting divorced and it stuck me that wow we're real adults. I think a lot of my deal comes from having never been married and being childless. I'm pretty much able to live the same life I did at 18, just with more bills and less fun lol. Anyway it was great being able to get out and support the choir. It brought back some good memories, which I'm always up for.

Breathing Is The Hardest Thing to Do

I've felt fine for days...well as fine as I am capable of feeling mind you. The last several days I've been genuinely happy. Then today I woke up and just felt so off. Its like being recaptured after a prison escape and having the warden say, "You didn't really think we wouldn't catch you did you?" Something just doesn't feel "right" and I can't explain it. The best way to describe it is that its like walking around in a haze or seeing everything through nothing but dirty,dusty windows. I feel so out of control ,but I don't even know what I'm feeling out of control off. People tell me all the time that they hope I can eventually beat depression and anxiety and be happy. I've really come so far from where I was all of last year...but I honestly don't know that I'll ever fully beat this. Every time I start feeling like things are alright finally sure enough there's a day like today. I'll just ride it out like I always do...I may feel fine later today, I just never know. Sometimes this lasts hours and sometimes days...