Coffee, Tea, or Me?

Finally gave in and got myself a venti hot tea from Starbucks. I had to add more sugar than I remember having to add last time I did this...hmm.Oh well it was good to just get out.Made a trip to Target to shop for a friend's birthday. He's turning 40...I remember going to his 30th birthday party and it doesn't seem like 10 years has gone by. I'm both looking forward to and dreading this party. The core group of people that should be there are the group of friends I hung out with in college and a couple of years after I graduated. This used to be my main group of friends and I saw most of them on a regular basis for years. The one person I'm really not looking forward to seeing is my ex. We broke up nearly 3 years ago after a couple months shy of dating for 8 years. Oh yes 8 years. When we broke up he got custody of our friends and almost no one from that group ever bothered to stay in touch with me, so that really showed me how much they all cared in the first place. The 8 years we were together don't even feel like they were a part of my life. Its like it was lived by a different person. My therapist said that's because it did. I'm not that person anymore. The person I am now would not have allowed herself to have put up with the crap I did back then. In the end I'm glad I was never able to convince my ex to marry me, I'd either be divorced or miserable. Why did I stay so long? After awhile I really started to believe that no one else was ever going to want me. My ex was excellent at making me feel incredibly stupid. I clearly remember a time when he got in my face and told me that I never think and that I don't use my brain. He was very critical of me and very competitive and broke up with me without warning over and over so I lived in a constant fear of losing him. After a while I felt like I couldn't do anything right, that I was stupid , that I wasn't good enough, that I was embarrassing, and I lived in constant fear of upsetting him. After we broke up people mentioned that yeah that had noticed that he didn't treat me very well. I look back on those years and it always seems like such a huge waste of my 20's. We had started dating when I was 20 and broke up when I was 28. I'm sometimes angry at myself for never having the courage to get out and for trying so hard to cater to him and allowing him to make me feel so poorly about myself. I look back and don't recognize that girl anymore. I'm nervous about seeing him, I've moved so far away from that part of me and I don't want to see him and have the anger and the rage I've shelved for so long rise up and out of me. I'm assuming we can be civil to each other and be in the same room together. I'm such a different person now and I almost don't want to be reminded of who I used to be. I've moved beyond the point where I'd want to kick his head in I think. I know he'll never apologize to me, because I'm sure he feels like he didn't do anything wrong. I know I wasn't the greatest girlfriend but if he called me on something genuine I'd take responsibility for it and make amends. I can't ever get those 8 years back so I don't really dwell on it anymore. Hopefully Saturday goes alright and there isn't too much tension or awkwardness.