This Is Lame

Its 4:30 in the morning and absolutely no one is online to talk to and I'm too awake to sleep. I'm laying on my bed watching HSN and they are doing an hour of scrapbooking crap. I don't scrapbook nor do I have any desire too. I only had 4 hours of sleep but my brain woke me up at 11am and it actually turned out to be a good idea. I had a talk with someone that we'd really needed to have. By the time 4pm rolled around I was exhausted and emotionally I was sort of drained. I napped for an hour then napped again from 6 to 7 something. I watched The Biggest Loser like I usually do on Tuesdays and tonight was a really good one. This is the second Tuesday in a row I bailed on the gym.I'd gotten into a pattern for a few weeks and of course I found myself breaking it. I should make myself go today. My head has been full of lyrics and poetry and essays and I haven't been able to put any of them into words. Its always so frustrating. I can't take this scrapbooking stuff anymore...switching to QVC. Its looking just as bleak. It figures really...the one night when I have no one at all to talk to and I'm awake and everything on tv is a steaming pile of junk. I'm thinking about maybe turning the tv off and reading but I don't think I can take the silence right now and if I turn on Pandora I know a song will inevitably come on that has some sort of memory for me and I'll start crying. My head is starting to hurt now so officially sleep is off the menu for now. There's been so much on my mind lately anyway. For the first time in a while now someone actually loves me,like genuinely loves me and I love them and of course it can't work. I knew going in that it can't work. I like to think that in an alternate universe it does and we're together and happy. In this universe however it can't. And I think how could I go into this knowing that we can't be together, but some things you just can not stop. To have not fallen in love with him would have been like trying to stop a train by standing on the tracks and holding out one forceful hand and assuming I could stop it with my sheer strength. I know its going to hurt me terribly when things have to change,but I haven't felt love like this in such a long time and he makes me so happy and valued that my mind and my heart continuously justify the coming heartache. Nothing I really want ever works out anyway, so why would this be any different. I keep waiting for everything to suddenly make sense and everything to finally fall in to place like it's supposed to. I know once it does I can look back and see that all the waiting was worth it...until then I'm just waiting.Sitting on a bench waiting for the bus to come by and pick me up and it hasn't yet, sometimes a bus slows down and I get excited thinking its mine but it never is. Its a bus dropping people off or going to a different stop. This blog probably isn't making any sense and frankly I couldn't care less. It's past 5am and I'm watching a presention about a hurricane mop,its better than the scrapbooking tho. I have no idea what today will bring, I can't even believe its Wednesday already. Days blur together anyway so it could be any day really. I think I'm done for now...