Amazing!

Had something happen today...er well yesterday that was a great reminder of how amazing God is and that there truly is nothing impossible with faith. I'm on a total high right now...soooo happy. I cannot wait to see what is coming next. :) Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

I heard that Keane song "Every body's Changing" in 7-11 tonight. That's sort of how things are right now. Everything is so up in the air right now and nothing seems fully certain all the time. I had a date a couple of weeks ago. It was amazingly awesome. I was unsure how it was going to go since my date and I knew each other but not all that well, but he and I clicked very well. He has a lot of stressful stuff going on right now and is probably moving next month,so we'll see what happens with that. But it sure was a good date. My far off love will be returning to normal life soon and things will be changing drastically because of that and during the transition we haven't been able to talk much,but I know he thinks of me. I'm so grateful for the time we had where we were able to talk for hours and hours into the night and I know we'll always have a close connection to each other and him not being able to talk much has nothing to do with me and its not because he doesn't want to. Our love will just transition into a different love and I'm okay with that. Monday was such a blissful night.Last December I started seeing a guy who is in college. He and I don't get to see each other as often as we'd like to and tho he'll tell people that I'm his chick he has given me a lot of freedom. I guess in the simplest terms its an open relationship, but kind of with a twist. We hadn't seen each other in two months and I had started to worry that there was someone else and he didn't "need" me anymore, but Monday we finally got to spend some time together and it was fantastic. He's been so insanely busy with six college classes, 3 with labs. He's stressed beyond belief and mentioned that he hasn't even gotten a hug in two months except from family. I had been thinking I had lost him ,but really it was never the case and it was merely irrational fear. School owns him right now and now I understand more after getting to talk to him what the situation is. Every time we are together all my doubts suddenly disappear( well until they start creeping up again lol...) At some point,hopefully soon, I'll finally have someone full time. Someone who actually has time to be in a relationship. I don't really blame any guy for not being in something solid, they have different commitments that at this point in their lives have to be a priority, its not that they don't care about me. Once I'm back in school in the spring ( God willing!) I'll be a busy girl and I'll have less time for things just like everyone else lol. I love the people in my life and I know each one is in my life for a reason. We'll see how things go :) I'm feeling pretty hopeful as of late.

6am...

I always tell myself every night that this will be the night I fall asleep at a semi decent hour. Without fail I am still awake at 6am. I end up waking up somewhere between 2pm and 4pm...its scandalous. When I wake up at 4 I feel so ashamed, like what kind of person sleeps until 4pm. Its 6am now and of course yesterday I promised myself I'd be fast asleep before now. My head hurts as well. I went to the gym and I must not be hydrating enough or something because they last few times I've ended up with an awful headache the rest of the night. Things have been more interesting as of late. I'm having more happy days and days where I'm actually out interacting with people.I love being social and I don't get to be as often as I'd like to. I've been more hopeful as of late. I am really starting to visualize things coming together. We'll see...

I Am a Disco Ball

I had a really good Saturday for the first time in weeks. My best friend had a craft party today and I hadn't done anything artsy for a very long time. I used to paint or draw or make snazzy little trinkets quite a bit back in the day.I couldn't even really tell you why or when I stopped, but I know its been years. I think after a while most of my former hobbies just took a back seat to trying to get through each day. I stopped at some point while I was still in college I believe. Everyone there today ended up with a bit of glitter on their clothes or faces. Since I'm usually the quirky, slightly nutty one it made sense that I ended up looking like a pink and gold disco ball. I had glitter literally head to toe. My jeans were sparkling in the moon light as I walked out to my car. There's still glitter on my chest right now despite my efforts. My bff and I took her daughter to Denny's tonight and she went off to join her theatre friends while we sat in our own section and enjoyed smothered cheese fries and pie and chatted away. I really need that. I get so closed up and isolated so much of the week. I generally start feeling a little depressed on Thursday nights and by Friday afternoon when I'm vacuuming my parents church I'm in full blown blah and Saturdays I usually am just in a hazy lite depression. I like when there's a break in the cycle. Right now I have a strange sense of hopefulness. I hope it stays this time. Usually when I start feeling this way I get knocked down again by something or someone. I'm quite tired of it really. I want to hang on to it. A pile of stuff on my floor shifted and I found a parking pass for Kansas State University dated for 10/28/08...that was the last day I ever saw my ex. I always find the strangest things at the strangest times. A couple of months ago I found a musical KSU keychain at the 99c Store, it plays the fight song. They also had the U of Conn what an odd pairing for a store in Hemet. I can't find my remote so I'm stuck using the laughably large back up one that is impossible to lose. Thankfully the weekends usually have actual programming on so I don't get stuck with shopping channels. In a little over a week I should finally start getting my unemployment checks again and feel less dependent on my parents and slightly more stable. Part of me really feels ready to work again and part of me likes the whole not working thing. I suppose things will work out how they're supposed to. I'm hoping I get accepted into law school for the spring. They're only accepting applications for part time evening classes right now, but since I've been out of school since August 2004 it might be good to not plunge right into a full time school thing. I'm trusting that at some point ( hopefully January) I'll actually get this school thing going. God doesn't put a dream in our hearts unless he is going to follow through and cause it to come to pass. I've held onto this dream for 22 years. I'm anxious to finally get my life where its supposed to be. I have a feeling that soon things are going to start falling into place piece by piece :)

Two Thirty in the Morning

HSN is doing an entire hour of sweaters... I couldn't bring myself to watch it. I just watched a documentary on the election of Barak Obama,it was generally pretty interesting. I voted for McCain so it wasn't anything inspirational or exciting but it was pretty well done. I recovered from last night's late night mini fall apart session. I don't mind falling apart for an hour or whatever when all it is is crying. That's nothing. I used to have terrible panic attacks. I haven't had a huge one in a while now just some very small ones. The huge ones are terrifying. Several times I would end up face down on the bathroom floor at 3am crying and shaking uncontrollably. The crying was so heavy it was literally wailing. So many tears would come pouring out that chunks of my hair always ended up wet. Once one started all I could do was ride the wave back to shore. There was no way to stop one. In the back of my mind I hold on to a fear that I could have one anytime and I need to be prepared to try to stop it while its small. I've been in therapy for an entire year here in a couple of weeks. I look back at where I was and who I was when I started going and I'm unrecognizable. I'm not as controlled by emotion as I was last year. 2008 is my lost year. I don't know that version of myself any longer. I hate so much that there are people who refuse to see me as anything but that girl. I can't apologize for who I was anymore. I have taken full responsibility for my actions and have apologize over and over and in the end there are still people who hold on to my past and hold it against me. My therapist explained that even if no one else forgives me or forgets I have to forgive myself and move beyond that point.Then this weekend Joel Osteen's message was about how your mistakes do not supersede your destiny. One way he explained it was that its like having GPS. When you make a wrong turn it doesn't mean you never get where you're going, the GPS system recalculates your route and gets you where you're supposed to be. I made some poor decisions and I did some stupid things and at the time they made perfect sense and seemed perfectly logical. It was like in my head things sounded like perfectly normal and rational ideas and I literally HAD to do them. My brain would not shut up and kept telling me no its fine it will work its a great idea you must do this. I ran completely on emotion and panic. My head would tell me get in the car and drive to Escondido and I felt compelled to do it.I'd go into a full panic and the anxiety would completely overwhelm me and no matter how I tried to rationalize why I should not go and that it was a bad idea it was like a hammer hitting my head over and over telling me GO! Sometimes I could fight it off and distract myself somehow with work or by talking to someone. But the majority of the time I could not fight it and I ended up doing whatever. Its almost impossible to explain to people really. It sounds ridiculous. Looking back at myself it saddens me so much that I couldn't fight. Last night I saw a picture of my ex( not the one from the birthday party post, the one who's break up with me plunged me into anxiety and depression) and for some reason I had actually captioned it and it was dated 10/03/08.He had taken and sent the picture to me in my email. It about killed me last night looking at that date and thinking about how at that point he still wanted me in his life and still cared about me. On 10/26/08 only three weeks from the day those pictures were sent I was sitting in a rental car in Kansas holding every Xanax I had in the palm of my hand and I was debating with myself whether I should kill myself. I remember texting him and asking him if he'd be happier if I were dead. The year long depression and the overwhelming anxiety and constant panic and sadness had become too much and when he texted me and told me he never wanted to talk to me again and he wanted me out of his life forever the pain was worse than I have ever felt in my life. I could not imagine that it was ever going to stop and I was going to live in constant terrifying horrible emotional pain. You can't take an aspirin and take that pain away. I couldn't breathe and my chest ached so badly and my head felt like my brain was going to rip right through my forehead. I really did want it to end I could not imagine living the way I was. It was the absolute worst day of my entire life. And 23 days earlier he was IM'ing me and sending me those pictures. I look back at that girl sitting in a car and I don't recognize her anymore. I know its me but its not who I am now and I will never ever be that poor girl again. There are so many things I wish I could go back and undo,but I can't and I sometimes have a hard time not hating myself for them. I've had to forgive myself and move forward. I'll finish this ramble later...

Yeah Idk...

It may be the lack of sleep or the fact that I've hardily eaten the last five days but I keep becoming overwhelmed with fear. I keep thinking what if I'm wrong? What if things aren't going to work out? What if everything I've been trusting and believing is going to happen doesn't? I keep wondering if maybe I've been lying to myself to make myself feel better and maybe all these things I want aren't going to come to pass. I tell myself over and over that its not impossible and that it can happen but something in my head is whispering that I'm stupid for really thinking that. I suppose it's doubt. Everyone struggles with doubt right? I think its when I look at the situations and see everything that would have to happen or change in order for things to work and it overwhelms me. Sometimes I just start crying because its too much. I hate this! I don't want my head starting to fill with doubt. I go from such high highs of hope and suddenly I'm so lost.Its like different forces fighting it out in my heart and mind and things shift as one is winning. There are certain things I want so much and the thought of never having them scares me to death. I'll probably be fine when i wake up later and then out of nowhere it will creep up on me again and tackle me. I don't know what I'm doing sometimes.