And then...

I have been meaning to update for a while...didn't realize I'd gone a month without doing so. Now here I am and I have no clue what to write. Blogger's block? Lol. I'm putting a lot on 2010. I'm expecting it to be an amazing year. 2008...total loss,2009...not a total loss , but way too full of pain and heartache and sadness. It wasn't a complete loss tho I can point to more happiness than in 2008, now granted a year in which one doesn't almost kill themselves is always superior to one where one does. So anyway 2008 sucked and 2009 sucked less. At my therapist's on Monday we actually made a written list of goals for next year. I'm supposed to go to the gym three times a week, go out socially at least once a week, enroll in classes for Spring, make it into law school for Fall, finish decorating the condo, plan and take a vacation, and before the end of the year be in a stable relationship. Part of me thinks by the end of next year I'll have accomplished all of them. Part of me is afraid things will get screwed up somehow. I think I'm too used to disappointment...that's so wrong isn't it? Things don't get better tho unless I believe they will. Maybe I should go ahead and get my hopes up and things will actually fall into place for once. I don't know what it is ,but I really do have a good feeling about next year. Anyway Christmas is tomorrow. I haven't felt it at all this year.Just flat out haven't felt Christmassy in the least. I'm going to try to make it to Christmas Eve service tonight and we always open our gifts on the 24th. So on actual Christmas I'm assuming it will be as boring and dead as usual. I may take myself to the movies. Haha how sad is that? Sitting alone on the movies on Christmas...nice. Next year things will be different. I've had a Beck song lyric in my head for days " Things are going to change I can feel it" and the thing is I really do feel change coming. I'm stronger than I was before. I fall apart less easily. Two years ago on Christmas night I had a massive panic attack at work and was literally shaking and crying uncontrollably under the counter in the drive thru with all of the other employees acting as tho I wasn't there and working normally. I don't see that kind of thing happening unless something really awful happens.My anxiety and panic are manageable and under control for the most part. I'm not as afraid as I was before.I know that I'm capable of having a happy life and that its coming soon. When I'm blogging this day next year I plan on having so many wonderful things to brag about lol. Keep the faith...