WoW Really?

So last month around the 23rd I started playing World of Warcraft ( WoW)....I enjoy it far more than I imagined I would. I'm also better at it than I thought I would be. Traditionally I'm horrible at these sorts of things so I'm actually quite proud of myself. I've managed to get myself up to Level 44 on my own and I'm told that's pretty good. My ex ( who re-entered my life near the end of summer) convinced me that I'd be good at this...I'm glad I listened...I'd been wanting to play for some time now but just needed that final push. :)

Wow I suck at This...

Yeah I'm a terrible blogger...I always have a million things I want to say but then never get around to actually typing them out in black and white. Anyway I should make a resolution or something to write here more often.

Well since July when I last posted I had my version of a miracle occur. Something I'd been praying about literally every single day for the past two years solid happened without any warning. My faith and my heart told me that someday it would but they never gave me a time or a day to wait for. I suppose though that that is what faith is about...believing in the unknown and the unseen and trusting that what God has put on one's heart he will indeed cause to come to pass. God has his own timing that isn't necessarily our timing,hence the two years I had to wait for the answer to my prayers.Honestly there were so many times when it would have been so much easier to just forget it and give up and go along with the advice of those who said you know this is never going to happen stop hoping for something that is never going to happen. I had to keep reminding myself that if God puts a promise in your heart He will make it happen. God know better than we do when the timing is correct and when all of the pieces are in place. Sometimes we think we're ready but God is still working in the lives of the others who need to be ready. I learned far more about patience than I had ever planned on knowing. Looking back I can see how many things had to fall into place, how many puzzle pieces had to be put together before God could place those final pieces and it makes more sense. I'm excited to see where God is taking me next and what is next in His plan for my life. Will keep you ( better) posted.

The Last Time...

The last time I blogged was months ago....so much has changed in my life since then. The biggest change since my last post is I'm now motherless. Mom passed away on June 3rd with my dad and I sitting on either side of her bed and with dad holding her hand. I gave my mom's eulogy the next week at her funeral. The turn-out was overwhelming. Its still too hard to think of her being gone. Dad and I sort of go about as though she was on vacation somewhere and will be returning. Mom used to go visit her brother and sister in New Mexico for a week every fall and Dad and I are kind of on a loop of that week over and over again. It makes it easier for her to not be here that way. I suppose its not the healthiest way to go about it but nonetheless... I think of things all the time I want to tell mom and everyone says go ahead and tell her because she can still hear me. But its not even close to being anywhere the same as sitting in the living room with mom on her same spot on the couch where she sat everyday for 25 years and talking to her. Trust be told I've probably bottled up a lot of my feelings about losing Mom and they'll explode out at a later date. Again...not healthy but manageable and keeps me stable for now.
I'm never quite sure what's happening anymore. Seems like new things both good and bad pop up with some frequency.I miss my stability...I miss knowing what every week was going to be like. Maybe that's boring, but I've always been a person of great routine. I'm a fan of certainty. I don't change easily. I do eventually make changes, but its always in my own time. Forcing me usually ends in disaster.
I finally feel like I'm ready to work again. I love not working, but I think I need the routine and paychecks of working. I've done my year of unemployment/vacation and didnt really do much of what I really wanted with it anyway so instead of squandering it much longer I'm going to go into full on work search mode. We'll see how it turns out. We'll see how a lot of life goes...

As It Says...

A couple months ago I was watching one of my favorite people on tv...Joel Osteen...he's the pastor of basically THE biggest church in the country and his sermons are broadcast about a zillion ( give or take a few) times a week. Anyway he was talking about how when God forgives us He forgets after He forgives and never recalls our sins again and yet we hold onto what He has already forgiven us for and has long forgotten. So why hold on to hatred and anger against ourselves and not forgive ourselves. And why continue to hold on to old anger against others. How can we expect God to forgive us and then not forgive ourselves or not forgive others. I realized that I was holding on to a lot of bitterness and anger deep down and I was not allowing myself to forgive myself for things I'd done in the past. I was also holding longstanding grudges for harms done to me. It was as though if I was able to stay angry at people and not forgive them that I was winning and I was beating them...when in actuality they had most likely moved on with their lives and the fact that I was not forgiving them didn't effect their daily lives one lick. I realized that punishing myself wasn't going to magically create a time warp that would send me back in time to undo all the stupid things I'd done,they had already been done, I had apologized, I could not undo them and those I'd harmed had their own choices to make as to whether to accept my numerous apologies. It all seemed so clear suddenly. Slowly I began forgiving people in my heart and mind and casting those past hurts into the seas of time. It was like an old fashioned weight belt and with each wrong I forgave I threw a weight into the sea until finally I was left with the giant rock chained to my own leg by my own hands. I had to forgive myself and say I'm not that person anymore and no amount of torturing myself will change who I was then. When I loosed the chain around my ankle and stepped free unweighted into my own forgiveness it was like a huge burden was gone. I started seeing more and more blessings coming into my life and the spaces left behind from the guilt and the unforgiveness and the anger filled in with joy and calm. I'm still amazed at the change its made and how foolish I'd been. Anyway that's enough preaching...

Indeed...

Some days I'm so very sure of myself and then suddenly as quickly as the certainty appears its gone again.

I'm finally getting to be pretty decent at guitar...its a nice feeling playing notes that are more than just notes. I remember when I was still with Clint and I'd watch him play. Watching him play was always so facinating, seeing his fingers move across the strings from fret to fret with such ease. It was as though his fingers had memorized where they needed to go. Some days I swear I'd do anything to be sitting there next to him listening and watching. I bought him a capo once and even after he tried to explain wtf a capo actually did I still really had no real ideal. On Thursday I bought a capo of my own and clamped in onto my 4th fret to play a specific song. I finally understand what on earth he was talking about when he'd tell me a certain song had to be tuned down or up. Everlong for instance requires that the low E string is tuned a certain way so it becomes a D. I used to just nod and smile and halfway understand what he wad telling me and now its all so clear.I wish now that I'd listened a little closer and not taken for granted that I would always be able to listen to him sing and play. I envy those who still get to. I wish so much I could sit down with him and talk guitar. Ask him how he plays his F chord. I know how I was taught...we're taught the most proper and official ways to play chords and notes...but I keep seeing so many variations. I'm amazed when I hear a song on the radio and the chords jump out at me. I'm especially good for some reason at spotting G chords...it is my favorite after all. I believe I'm rambling...
Anyway life over all has been very nice lately. I still have a lot of unanswered questions and open doors and some days I'm pretty sure I'm just winging it. I look at where I was in 2007( insanely happy) to 2008( depressed and panicked and anxious) to 2009 ( mostly lost but improving) to where I am now ( generally positive and happy) and I see so much progress. I've gotten to the point where I had to realize that there are things I cant change, things I cant undo, that I had to forgive myself even if other people wouldn't, that God has a plan and I cant rush things or do them on my own. If I trust God the way I say I do but then spend all of my time trying to do it on my own or worrying that things aren't moving fast enough or panicking then how can I say I'm trusting God to take care of everything. If its in God's hands its in God's hands not Rayann's hands. I'll just keep believing and trusting and praying and holding on...

April Has Begun

Its seriously sad how much I suck at keeping up on this whole blogging thing. I really need to try to keep this thing up better.
Anyway...
I have to start my law school applications again soon. I think I might be able to get into this law school over in Fullerton. Its not a flashy school by any means. My college GPA was high enough to graduate but it far from a respectable GPA for a law student to have. I really regret not putting more effort into getting higher grades in college.When I put in an actual effort I do really well. I was .01 away from graduating and had to take a couple of summer school classes and got A's in both because I actually did the work and knew that I HAD to do well in order to get my diploma. The Fullerton school also strangely seems like it might be a good fit. A couple of weeks ago Steven told me that he got into UC Santa Cruz and I asked if that's where he was thinking of going and he told me that he actually is thinking that if he doesn't get into USC he'll go to UC Irvine. UCI was where I was really hoping he'd end up because its not as far away as the other schools he'd applied at like Davis and Berkeley. Coincidently Irvine is a mere 20 minutes away from Fullerton...hmmm. Upon figuring that out the hamster wheel in my head started up and the gears started spinning. I always get such a rush when the gears start turning its ridiculous. I love planning and making plans...not that they always come to fruition however but still. Haha frankly half the time I think I have no clue what I'm doing. How on Earth I'm actually 31 blows my mind. I think the whole being unmarried and jobless and childless tricks my brain into thinking I'm younger than I am. I don't know at this point I'm just going with the whole thing about whatever is supposed to happen with whoever its supposed to happen with will happen according to God's plan. Lately guys have been slipping away as quickly as they appeared in the first place and I am left with no resolution. I dont understand the whole deal with suddenly not talking to me and never breaking up with me or explaining anything...just poof gone. I've been talking to my therapist about it a lot. I have so much unresolved stuff its ridiculous. Its like watching a movie and the final scene is missing and you have no idea how the dang thing ended or how any of the conflicts were resolved. I really hate it. I can't really dwell on it or I tend to have to take a xanax before too long. Oh anxiety how you never cease to not be fun...

One Morning

After a month of non-stop texting and messaging and phone calling Dustin finally drove out from Las Vegas and spent an amazing 56 hours with me. Its not serious yet...we're "seeing each other" so whatever that means...well for one thing it means I still don;t have an actual boyfriend and I have no idea where this is going or where it will lead. He didn't make it to my condo until nearly 2am due to expectedly getting a little lost and I had class 8 hours later so I left him sleeping and went off to class and came back a few hours later after class. I walked through my front door and there he was standing in my kitchen in boxers eating a bowl of cereal. He stopped eating and said " Good morning honey how was class?" and at that moment I thought I want this for the rest of my life. I want to come home and have someone there every single day. Whether that ends up being Dustin or someone from my past or someone I have yet to meet only time will tell. But at that moment my heart was so full and I just felt so warm and wonderful and I nearly cried. I love this picture I took of us...I said "what are you doing silly" and he said "can't you tell I'm kissing back?" I can't wait until I have someone with me everyday of my life.

V Day!

So Valentines Day is on Sunday and for the 3rd year in a row I am without a date.Last year my a**hole date bailed on me and couldn't figure out why I wasn't more understanding about it. I thought very very bad thoughts about him and in a beautiful bit of karmic justice he got a DUI that very night :)... Two years ago I didn't even have the possibility of a date which was probably for the best as I was in the throws of horrible depression and that's when I was having weekly panic attacks.I would have been a terrible date.No one wants to have their date start crying hysterically at dinner lol. Three years ago I went on a blind date with a friend's brother.It wasn't bad...it wasn't great. Two weeks later I had a boyfriend anyway so it was fine. At least this year even though I am dateless I'm not depressed or going through chaos or having to settle for a jerky date. I think my friend Erika and I are going to hang out,no clue what we're going to do but she's dateless too so might as well join forces lol. I used to always look forward to Valentines Day and always enjoyed it...I can't wait until I'm able to get excited about it again. I'm not letting it get me down tho...I've really enjoyed this year so far and I don't want to allow myself to get upset about things that don't really matter in the long run. Who knows where I'll be in life this time next year and who I'll be with. I could end up never having another dateless Valentines after this year...in fact I'm pretty determined that that is going to be so. :)

Oh My!

I hadn't really noticed how close to the end of the month it is. Only a couple of days left of January already. It has been a very good month. Not a lick of drama or craziness and I realized that other than some minor sappy tearing up I haven't cried the entire month. It's been over two years since I've gone without some sort of drama or craziness or some other chaos for an entire month. Its so strange and wonderful to have had a full month of peace. What a blessing it has been! I've been reconnecting with people I haven't talked to since high school and God has dropped in a few surprise people as well. I'm loving talking to people again. I love hearing my phone ring or being alerted to new texts. I don't really feel the loneliness that I have for so long. Even when I'm out by myself I'm still alright. Thanks to the 1st-time home buyers tax deal I'm going to be receiving a very nice tax refund. I'm looking forward to the stability that is going to allow. It is also going to give me the freedom to start getting the most out of my time not working. I can take friends out to lunch again. I'm in the very early planning stages of a trip to New York. I've been invited to visit and hang out in San Francisco next month. I can't get over how many awesome blessings I've had this month. After a while a person gets so used to the sadness and the uncertainty. I want to get used to this time of happiness. There are certainly things I'd like to change and people I'd like to bring with me and share this time with but I'm trusting God for that. I'm so thankful for all the amazing things and awesome people in my life. I've really appreciated everyone who has been praying for me and has sent messages of support and advice. I've felt for awhile that my time was coming and I think that time has come :)

And Nothing Last Forever Even Cold November Rain

Things change all the time,but there are some things you never think will ever change. I always figured my best friend and I would be the best of friends until one of us died or was kidnapped by gypsies...either or. I'm believing more and more that I was wrong. Things have indeed changed. I feel a deep sense of loss. She was my other half, we joked about sharing a brain. But now we've gone in different directions. Its not that I don't miss her or what our friendship was like, I do miss being able to tell her things going on in my life or share silliness or hear stories about something from her day. A single line in a message to me changed so much for me, I didn't feel like I could unconditionally trust the same way again. I don't think I've overreacted either, it stung so deep and shook my brain. I told her I'd leave her alone and I did, staying almost completely out of contact. I feel like I've been at least partially replaced anyway. Replaced by someone who basically despises me. At one point my friend replaced a profile picture with a pic of the two of them and it was like a spike through my heart. I thought to myself how would she feel if I became friends with the former best friend she had who had caused her so much heartache and grief and the two of us wrote cute messages on each other's walls and posted about how much fun we were having together. I don't know maybe I'm being silly but it just hurts. Lately I've just had to wall it off and decide to deal with it later. I didn't want this, I honestly didn't. I don't know maybe things can be at least partially repaired. She wrote me the other day and did say that she had missed me. Maybe we can figure something out. I'd like to, I really would.

Oh Hey I Haven't Blogged in a Month!

January has been good so far which means 2010 has been good so far. December ended with a week of hellish drama...lots of ugliness and horrible words. I lost 4lbs in less than four days. My appetite shuts down when I'm depressed or stressed. I didn't fall apart to the extent I usually do when these things happen. I was severely depressed tho and just plain sad. I felt pretty alone. New years Eve I hung out with some of my college friends and had a darned nice time. They're a bright, nerdy, intelligent bunch of people who genuinely care about people and are all strong Christians. It was just so nice to be in that environment. So I started 2010 in positivity. I've been generally pretty happy lately. I haven't been able to shake the feeling that something great is going to happen. That I'm poised for something big. I describe it like being a pin ball machine waiting for someone to pull the knob and release the ball and start the game. Sometimes its overwhelming...I just know something is coming I just don't know what it is or when it's coming, just that it is. I'm anxious, excited about whatever is coming...