Oh My!

I hadn't really noticed how close to the end of the month it is. Only a couple of days left of January already. It has been a very good month. Not a lick of drama or craziness and I realized that other than some minor sappy tearing up I haven't cried the entire month. It's been over two years since I've gone without some sort of drama or craziness or some other chaos for an entire month. Its so strange and wonderful to have had a full month of peace. What a blessing it has been! I've been reconnecting with people I haven't talked to since high school and God has dropped in a few surprise people as well. I'm loving talking to people again. I love hearing my phone ring or being alerted to new texts. I don't really feel the loneliness that I have for so long. Even when I'm out by myself I'm still alright. Thanks to the 1st-time home buyers tax deal I'm going to be receiving a very nice tax refund. I'm looking forward to the stability that is going to allow. It is also going to give me the freedom to start getting the most out of my time not working. I can take friends out to lunch again. I'm in the very early planning stages of a trip to New York. I've been invited to visit and hang out in San Francisco next month. I can't get over how many awesome blessings I've had this month. After a while a person gets so used to the sadness and the uncertainty. I want to get used to this time of happiness. There are certainly things I'd like to change and people I'd like to bring with me and share this time with but I'm trusting God for that. I'm so thankful for all the amazing things and awesome people in my life. I've really appreciated everyone who has been praying for me and has sent messages of support and advice. I've felt for awhile that my time was coming and I think that time has come :)

And Nothing Last Forever Even Cold November Rain

Things change all the time,but there are some things you never think will ever change. I always figured my best friend and I would be the best of friends until one of us died or was kidnapped by gypsies...either or. I'm believing more and more that I was wrong. Things have indeed changed. I feel a deep sense of loss. She was my other half, we joked about sharing a brain. But now we've gone in different directions. Its not that I don't miss her or what our friendship was like, I do miss being able to tell her things going on in my life or share silliness or hear stories about something from her day. A single line in a message to me changed so much for me, I didn't feel like I could unconditionally trust the same way again. I don't think I've overreacted either, it stung so deep and shook my brain. I told her I'd leave her alone and I did, staying almost completely out of contact. I feel like I've been at least partially replaced anyway. Replaced by someone who basically despises me. At one point my friend replaced a profile picture with a pic of the two of them and it was like a spike through my heart. I thought to myself how would she feel if I became friends with the former best friend she had who had caused her so much heartache and grief and the two of us wrote cute messages on each other's walls and posted about how much fun we were having together. I don't know maybe I'm being silly but it just hurts. Lately I've just had to wall it off and decide to deal with it later. I didn't want this, I honestly didn't. I don't know maybe things can be at least partially repaired. She wrote me the other day and did say that she had missed me. Maybe we can figure something out. I'd like to, I really would.

Oh Hey I Haven't Blogged in a Month!

January has been good so far which means 2010 has been good so far. December ended with a week of hellish drama...lots of ugliness and horrible words. I lost 4lbs in less than four days. My appetite shuts down when I'm depressed or stressed. I didn't fall apart to the extent I usually do when these things happen. I was severely depressed tho and just plain sad. I felt pretty alone. New years Eve I hung out with some of my college friends and had a darned nice time. They're a bright, nerdy, intelligent bunch of people who genuinely care about people and are all strong Christians. It was just so nice to be in that environment. So I started 2010 in positivity. I've been generally pretty happy lately. I haven't been able to shake the feeling that something great is going to happen. That I'm poised for something big. I describe it like being a pin ball machine waiting for someone to pull the knob and release the ball and start the game. Sometimes its overwhelming...I just know something is coming I just don't know what it is or when it's coming, just that it is. I'm anxious, excited about whatever is coming...