Friday, January 29, 2010
And Nothing Last Forever Even Cold November Rain
Things change all the time,but there are some things you never think will ever change. I always figured my best friend and I would be the best of friends until one of us died or was kidnapped by gypsies...either or. I'm believing more and more that I was wrong. Things have indeed changed. I feel a deep sense of loss. She was my other half, we joked about sharing a brain. But now we've gone in different directions. Its not that I don't miss her or what our friendship was like, I do miss being able to tell her things going on in my life or share silliness or hear stories about something from her day. A single line in a message to me changed so much for me, I didn't feel like I could unconditionally trust the same way again. I don't think I've overreacted either, it stung so deep and shook my brain. I told her I'd leave her alone and I did, staying almost completely out of contact. I feel like I've been at least partially replaced anyway. Replaced by someone who basically despises me. At one point my friend replaced a profile picture with a pic of the two of them and it was like a spike through my heart. I thought to myself how would she feel if I became friends with the former best friend she had who had caused her so much heartache and grief and the two of us wrote cute messages on each other's walls and posted about how much fun we were having together. I don't know maybe I'm being silly but it just hurts. Lately I've just had to wall it off and decide to deal with it later. I didn't want this, I honestly didn't. I don't know maybe things can be at least partially repaired. She wrote me the other day and did say that she had missed me. Maybe we can figure something out. I'd like to, I really would.
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I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to have other friends. I was relieved and filled with joy when you started hanging out with Erika, and seemed to enjoy it since you usually complained about her. NO ONE was replaced; I don't operate that way. If you really were the other half of me then you would know that without me even having to defend myself. Did you bother to mention on your blog WHY you needed to give me space? And by the way, you can become with *my* former best friend Eileen if it makes you happy, but I know that if it did happen at this point in time that it would only be to hurt me, and not because you truly had a bond with her. My friendship with Siva has nothing to do with you. I think you're just sour that people who don't like you love me. As for pictures, OMG, Rayann, could you be more petty? That picture was taken the last day Siva was in town before leaving for Oklahoma/Missouri. You don't even know WHY that picture was put up, but that's because you assume the worst and jump to conclusions. I edited that photo and ended up making us look like LaToya Jackson and some mustachioed fiend, so while it was an inside joke between Siva and me, it had nothing to do with you, it was not directed at you, nor was it intended to get your knickers in a twist. That original photo has since been edited several more times. I would like to post them so everyone can have a good laugh but now I'm not so sure I'm allowed to without offending you and making you think we're out to hurt you. I don't think I got sensitive about all the pictures you posted having fun with Erika. Why should you get to go out and have fun and not I? You sure do have a lot of double standards. If you were replaced then that means Veronica, who I've been best friends with for 25 years has been replaced. That means that Sara, who I've been best friends with for 30 years has also been replaced. What nonsense is that, anyway? I have a lot of friends who I call by nicknames, and not one single person has EVER exhibited the amount of jealousy that you have over my relationships with each other. So you're not sure if things can be "at least partially repaired" well, what the hell am I sticking around here for anyway? I stuck by you when everyone else gave up. The people from your past have no clue what kind of a person you have been the last 2 years.
ReplyDeletewow rayann, for someone claiming she was your other half, you don't know very much about her. you sure flipped the whole trust thing around too. she is the one who can't trust YOU like before, not the other way around. YOU gave her reasons to distrust YOU, you should correct that. you should also not make yourself sound so saintly with the whole 'someone who despises me" crap like i just CHOSE to despise you. i "despise" you because of the bullshit you did to people i care about. people who asked you NUMEROUS times to gtfo of their lives. i caused you so much "heartache and grief" because you manipulated situations to benefit you, and you had no remorse for any of it until you got caught. if you never were found out, you would have NEVER admitted to any of the shit you did. some poor girl left college because of the shit you did, shit SHE got blamed for. She wasn't the one who sent baby stuff to meghan's parents, she wasn't the one who knew what class ALL of her SHE wasn't the one who made numerous fakes to contact clint or meghan, SHE wasn't the one who sat outside clint's house or clint's work for hours, SHE wasn't the one who "had" to drive to wherever clint was so you could feel "safe", YOU WERE. You say your panic disorder is what makes you act so compulsively yet, you end up having more anxiety attacks BECAUSE of your actions and "compulsions". so before you go pointing fingers about how sad you are and how at a loss you are, sit and think about what you did exactly to lose people. i ended my friendship with you because i couldn't sit by you knowing the things you said and did. i couldn't stand watching how arrogant, selfish, and self-centered you are. And now you're losing "your other half" because of your own devices and wrong-doings. if you want to blame me for this whole mess then go ahead, i don't care. wouldn't be the first time you didn't fess up to your own mess you caused, so it would be no surprise to me. but i hope in your heart you know that THIS whole thing, was your doing, not mine. YOU caused the friendship to end, YOU caused your own drama, and YOU caused "your friend" to not trust you ever. in essence, YOU caused your own heartache and grief. because of the things YOU chose and continue to choose to do. but go ahead, go say whatever you want. go paint this all up like you are the victim and everyone is just attacking you, you're good at doing that.
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