As It Says...

A couple months ago I was watching one of my favorite people on tv...Joel Osteen...he's the pastor of basically THE biggest church in the country and his sermons are broadcast about a zillion ( give or take a few) times a week. Anyway he was talking about how when God forgives us He forgets after He forgives and never recalls our sins again and yet we hold onto what He has already forgiven us for and has long forgotten. So why hold on to hatred and anger against ourselves and not forgive ourselves. And why continue to hold on to old anger against others. How can we expect God to forgive us and then not forgive ourselves or not forgive others. I realized that I was holding on to a lot of bitterness and anger deep down and I was not allowing myself to forgive myself for things I'd done in the past. I was also holding longstanding grudges for harms done to me. It was as though if I was able to stay angry at people and not forgive them that I was winning and I was beating them...when in actuality they had most likely moved on with their lives and the fact that I was not forgiving them didn't effect their daily lives one lick. I realized that punishing myself wasn't going to magically create a time warp that would send me back in time to undo all the stupid things I'd done,they had already been done, I had apologized, I could not undo them and those I'd harmed had their own choices to make as to whether to accept my numerous apologies. It all seemed so clear suddenly. Slowly I began forgiving people in my heart and mind and casting those past hurts into the seas of time. It was like an old fashioned weight belt and with each wrong I forgave I threw a weight into the sea until finally I was left with the giant rock chained to my own leg by my own hands. I had to forgive myself and say I'm not that person anymore and no amount of torturing myself will change who I was then. When I loosed the chain around my ankle and stepped free unweighted into my own forgiveness it was like a huge burden was gone. I started seeing more and more blessings coming into my life and the spaces left behind from the guilt and the unforgiveness and the anger filled in with joy and calm. I'm still amazed at the change its made and how foolish I'd been. Anyway that's enough preaching...

Indeed...

Some days I'm so very sure of myself and then suddenly as quickly as the certainty appears its gone again.

I'm finally getting to be pretty decent at guitar...its a nice feeling playing notes that are more than just notes. I remember when I was still with Clint and I'd watch him play. Watching him play was always so facinating, seeing his fingers move across the strings from fret to fret with such ease. It was as though his fingers had memorized where they needed to go. Some days I swear I'd do anything to be sitting there next to him listening and watching. I bought him a capo once and even after he tried to explain wtf a capo actually did I still really had no real ideal. On Thursday I bought a capo of my own and clamped in onto my 4th fret to play a specific song. I finally understand what on earth he was talking about when he'd tell me a certain song had to be tuned down or up. Everlong for instance requires that the low E string is tuned a certain way so it becomes a D. I used to just nod and smile and halfway understand what he wad telling me and now its all so clear.I wish now that I'd listened a little closer and not taken for granted that I would always be able to listen to him sing and play. I envy those who still get to. I wish so much I could sit down with him and talk guitar. Ask him how he plays his F chord. I know how I was taught...we're taught the most proper and official ways to play chords and notes...but I keep seeing so many variations. I'm amazed when I hear a song on the radio and the chords jump out at me. I'm especially good for some reason at spotting G chords...it is my favorite after all. I believe I'm rambling...
Anyway life over all has been very nice lately. I still have a lot of unanswered questions and open doors and some days I'm pretty sure I'm just winging it. I look at where I was in 2007( insanely happy) to 2008( depressed and panicked and anxious) to 2009 ( mostly lost but improving) to where I am now ( generally positive and happy) and I see so much progress. I've gotten to the point where I had to realize that there are things I cant change, things I cant undo, that I had to forgive myself even if other people wouldn't, that God has a plan and I cant rush things or do them on my own. If I trust God the way I say I do but then spend all of my time trying to do it on my own or worrying that things aren't moving fast enough or panicking then how can I say I'm trusting God to take care of everything. If its in God's hands its in God's hands not Rayann's hands. I'll just keep believing and trusting and praying and holding on...

April Has Begun

Its seriously sad how much I suck at keeping up on this whole blogging thing. I really need to try to keep this thing up better.
Anyway...
I have to start my law school applications again soon. I think I might be able to get into this law school over in Fullerton. Its not a flashy school by any means. My college GPA was high enough to graduate but it far from a respectable GPA for a law student to have. I really regret not putting more effort into getting higher grades in college.When I put in an actual effort I do really well. I was .01 away from graduating and had to take a couple of summer school classes and got A's in both because I actually did the work and knew that I HAD to do well in order to get my diploma. The Fullerton school also strangely seems like it might be a good fit. A couple of weeks ago Steven told me that he got into UC Santa Cruz and I asked if that's where he was thinking of going and he told me that he actually is thinking that if he doesn't get into USC he'll go to UC Irvine. UCI was where I was really hoping he'd end up because its not as far away as the other schools he'd applied at like Davis and Berkeley. Coincidently Irvine is a mere 20 minutes away from Fullerton...hmmm. Upon figuring that out the hamster wheel in my head started up and the gears started spinning. I always get such a rush when the gears start turning its ridiculous. I love planning and making plans...not that they always come to fruition however but still. Haha frankly half the time I think I have no clue what I'm doing. How on Earth I'm actually 31 blows my mind. I think the whole being unmarried and jobless and childless tricks my brain into thinking I'm younger than I am. I don't know at this point I'm just going with the whole thing about whatever is supposed to happen with whoever its supposed to happen with will happen according to God's plan. Lately guys have been slipping away as quickly as they appeared in the first place and I am left with no resolution. I dont understand the whole deal with suddenly not talking to me and never breaking up with me or explaining anything...just poof gone. I've been talking to my therapist about it a lot. I have so much unresolved stuff its ridiculous. Its like watching a movie and the final scene is missing and you have no idea how the dang thing ended or how any of the conflicts were resolved. I really hate it. I can't really dwell on it or I tend to have to take a xanax before too long. Oh anxiety how you never cease to not be fun...