Indeed...

Some days I'm so very sure of myself and then suddenly as quickly as the certainty appears its gone again.

I'm finally getting to be pretty decent at guitar...its a nice feeling playing notes that are more than just notes. I remember when I was still with Clint and I'd watch him play. Watching him play was always so facinating, seeing his fingers move across the strings from fret to fret with such ease. It was as though his fingers had memorized where they needed to go. Some days I swear I'd do anything to be sitting there next to him listening and watching. I bought him a capo once and even after he tried to explain wtf a capo actually did I still really had no real ideal. On Thursday I bought a capo of my own and clamped in onto my 4th fret to play a specific song. I finally understand what on earth he was talking about when he'd tell me a certain song had to be tuned down or up. Everlong for instance requires that the low E string is tuned a certain way so it becomes a D. I used to just nod and smile and halfway understand what he wad telling me and now its all so clear.I wish now that I'd listened a little closer and not taken for granted that I would always be able to listen to him sing and play. I envy those who still get to. I wish so much I could sit down with him and talk guitar. Ask him how he plays his F chord. I know how I was taught...we're taught the most proper and official ways to play chords and notes...but I keep seeing so many variations. I'm amazed when I hear a song on the radio and the chords jump out at me. I'm especially good for some reason at spotting G chords...it is my favorite after all. I believe I'm rambling...
Anyway life over all has been very nice lately. I still have a lot of unanswered questions and open doors and some days I'm pretty sure I'm just winging it. I look at where I was in 2007( insanely happy) to 2008( depressed and panicked and anxious) to 2009 ( mostly lost but improving) to where I am now ( generally positive and happy) and I see so much progress. I've gotten to the point where I had to realize that there are things I cant change, things I cant undo, that I had to forgive myself even if other people wouldn't, that God has a plan and I cant rush things or do them on my own. If I trust God the way I say I do but then spend all of my time trying to do it on my own or worrying that things aren't moving fast enough or panicking then how can I say I'm trusting God to take care of everything. If its in God's hands its in God's hands not Rayann's hands. I'll just keep believing and trusting and praying and holding on...