The Last Time...

The last time I blogged was months ago....so much has changed in my life since then. The biggest change since my last post is I'm now motherless. Mom passed away on June 3rd with my dad and I sitting on either side of her bed and with dad holding her hand. I gave my mom's eulogy the next week at her funeral. The turn-out was overwhelming. Its still too hard to think of her being gone. Dad and I sort of go about as though she was on vacation somewhere and will be returning. Mom used to go visit her brother and sister in New Mexico for a week every fall and Dad and I are kind of on a loop of that week over and over again. It makes it easier for her to not be here that way. I suppose its not the healthiest way to go about it but nonetheless... I think of things all the time I want to tell mom and everyone says go ahead and tell her because she can still hear me. But its not even close to being anywhere the same as sitting in the living room with mom on her same spot on the couch where she sat everyday for 25 years and talking to her. Trust be told I've probably bottled up a lot of my feelings about losing Mom and they'll explode out at a later date. Again...not healthy but manageable and keeps me stable for now.
I'm never quite sure what's happening anymore. Seems like new things both good and bad pop up with some frequency.I miss my stability...I miss knowing what every week was going to be like. Maybe that's boring, but I've always been a person of great routine. I'm a fan of certainty. I don't change easily. I do eventually make changes, but its always in my own time. Forcing me usually ends in disaster.
I finally feel like I'm ready to work again. I love not working, but I think I need the routine and paychecks of working. I've done my year of unemployment/vacation and didnt really do much of what I really wanted with it anyway so instead of squandering it much longer I'm going to go into full on work search mode. We'll see how it turns out. We'll see how a lot of life goes...